COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT

Communication involves a lot more than the exchange of words and ideas. Research shows that only seven per cent of communication is conveyed through words. Fifty-five percent is conveyed through our body language – eye contact (or lack of), gestures and facial expressions. The other 38 per cent is conveyed through our voice – its quality, tone and inflection.

In any communication, there is a speaker and a listener. This article will focus on how to resolve a conflict, and on the person who is going to speak. When you really want to communicate your feelings and emotions to someone important to you to resolve a conflict with him or her, how do you do that in a rational, sincere way that results in a win/win situation for both of you?

First, set a time to talk that is convenient for both of you, when you are not too tired to be able to convey your feelings in a rational manner, and the other person is not too tired to focus on what you are saying through your words, body language and voice. Ask the other person if they are available to listen to you at a certain time. You may want to set a time limit, say 15 minutes, so that if one of you is unable to continue, you can agree to stop for the moment and set another time to complete your conversation.

Second, make sure you know what your issue is. Are you really feeling overwhelmed, like you do everything and have no help, or are you feeling lonely and neglected and want some time together? Think about your feeling (angry, lonely, tired), your thoughts about that (why does it seem I do everything all the time?? He/she is always gone!). Think about your behaviour (I am really short-tempered and impatient, and I’m yelling at people) and what has happened to you in the past (this reminds me of when I was younger and had to…) What would you like to see happen? (Do you think we could set aside two hours together on Saturday morning to do the chores and then have lunch together?). Explain why…it will help me feel like I’m important to you and that I don’t have to do all the work all the time, even if that is not how it really is.

Third, make sure there are no distractions–no children to take care of, as well as no audio or video distractions. Choose a quiet place. Sit facing each other so you can make eye contact. Remember that the person who is going to listen to what you tell him/her will probably be on the defensive. For that reason, always use “I” statements. “I” feel when whatever happens. “I” need this certain thing from you. Keep your sentences short and to the point. Give the other person time to understand each part of what you’re telling them and to tell you what they perceive you are saying. Don’t repeat the same information over and over or go back over past events. Then, ask for what you need them to do to help you, and ask if they can do that. If not, you may want to consider another solution, or agree to disagree. You can always revisit the issue at another time. This is not the time for discussion about who did what and why. It is a statement of how you feel in certain circumstances and what you need from the other person to help you feel differently.

In most cases, conflict means there is a need that is not being met. Perhaps it is a need to feel loved, accepted, respected, valued. When you are clear in your head and heart about what your need is, and you can communicate that need and possible solution in a rational, non-threatening and quiet manner, you will probably be able to resolve the conflict with minimal fuss and no hard or unhappy feelings.

Judith Tremblay, owner of Paths To Change, provides one-on-one counselling as well as workshops in stress management, overcoming procrastination and self-nurturing/self esteem. Judith’s Stress Buster of the Week ran for 52 weeks, and she is currently putting them into an ebook which will be available later this year. Coming soon is the weekly series on loving and nurturing yourself.