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Communication and Conflict–Judith Tremblay from Paths To Change!
COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT
Communication involves a lot more than the exchange of words and ideas. Research shows that only seven per cent of communication is conveyed through words. Fifty-five percent is conveyed through our body language – eye contact (or lack of), gestures and facial expressions. The other 38 per cent is conveyed through our voice – its quality, tone and inflection.
In any communication, there is a speaker and a listener. This article will focus on how to resolve a conflict, and on the person who is going to speak. When you really want to communicate your feelings and emotions to someone important to you to resolve a conflict with him or her, how do you do that in a rational, sincere way that results in a win/win situation for both of you?
First, set a time to talk that is convenient for both of you, when you are not too tired to be able to convey your feelings in a rational manner, and the other person is not too tired to focus on what you are saying through your words, body language and voice. Ask the other person if they are available to listen to you at a certain time. You may want to set a time limit, say 15 minutes, so that if one of you is unable to continue, you can agree to stop for the moment and set another time to complete your conversation.
Second, make sure you know what your issue is. Are you really feeling overwhelmed, like you do everything and have no help, or are you feeling lonely and neglected and want some time together? Think about your feeling (angry, lonely, tired), your thoughts about that (why does it seem I do everything all the time?? He/she is always gone!). Think about your behaviour (I am really short-tempered and impatient, and I’m yelling at people) and what has happened to you in the past (this reminds me of when I was younger and had to…) What would you like to see happen? (Do you think we could set aside two hours together on Saturday morning to do the chores and then have lunch together?). Explain why…it will help me feel like I’m important to you and that I don’t have to do all the work all the time, even if that is not how it really is.
Third, make sure there are no distractions–no children to take care of, as well as no audio or video distractions. Choose a quiet place. Sit facing each other so you can make eye contact. Remember that the person who is going to listen to what you tell him/her will probably be on the defensive. For that reason, always use “I” statements. “I” feel when whatever happens. “I” need this certain thing from you. Keep your sentences short and to the point. Give the other person time to understand each part of what you’re telling them and to tell you what they perceive you are saying. Don’t repeat the same information over and over or go back over past events. Then, ask for what you need them to do to help you, and ask if they can do that. If not, you may want to consider another solution, or agree to disagree. You can always revisit the issue at another time. This is not the time for discussion about who did what and why. It is a statement of how you feel in certain circumstances and what you need from the other person to help you feel differently.
In most cases, conflict means there is a need that is not being met. Perhaps it is a need to feel loved, accepted, respected, valued. When you are clear in your head and heart about what your need is, and you can communicate that need and possible solution in a rational, non-threatening and quiet manner, you will probably be able to resolve the conflict with minimal fuss and no hard or unhappy feelings.
Judith Tremblay, owner of Paths To Change, provides one-on-one counselling as well as workshops in stress management, overcoming procrastination and self-nurturing/self esteem. Judith’s Stress Buster of the Week ran for 52 weeks, and she is currently putting them into an ebook which will be available later this year. Coming soon is the weekly series on loving and nurturing yourself.
Eat That Frog–Part 2
Have you heard the expression “Eat That Frog” before? It’s the phrase that Brian Tracy uses “as a metaphor for tackling the most challenging task of your day.”
Many of us procrastinate when it comes getting started on tasks we don’t really want to do.
I’d like to share some information from EAT THAT FROG! 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time (ISBN 978-1-57675-422-1)–one of my favourite productivity books.
In our September issue, I shared the first seven ways on Brian’s list. Here are the next seven!
8. “The Law of Three: Identify the three things you do in your work that account for 90 percent of your contribution, and focus on getting them done before anything else. You will then have more time for your family and personal life.
9. Prepare thoroughly before you begin: Have everything you need at hand before you start. Assemble all the papers, information, tools, work materials, and numbers you might require so that you can get started and keep going.
10. Take it one oil [drum] at a time: You can accomplish the biggest and most complicated project if you just complete it one step at a time.
11. Upgrade your key skills: The more knowledgeable and skilled you become at your key tasks, the faster you start them and the sooner you get them done.
12. Leverage your [particular] talents: Determine exactly what it is that you are very good at doing, or could be very good at, and throw your whole heart into doing those specific things very, very well.
13. Identify your key constraints: Determine the bottlenecks or [obstacles], internal or external, that set the speed at which you achieve your most important goals, and focus on alleviating them.
14. Put the pressure on yourself: Imagine that you have to leave town for a month, and work as if you had to get all your major tasks completed before you left.”
Stay tuned to the next edition for the last seven ways to stop procrastinating and get more things done faster!
Take action and EAT THAT FROG!
Wise words from Paul J. Meyer
“Productivity is never an accident. It is always the result of a commitment to excellence, intelligent planning, and focused effort.” – Paul J. Meyer
Jane’s Nutrition Tips for Back to School!
JANE’S NUTRITION TIPS
Back to School – Back on Track
Even for those of us who aren’t heading to class this September, the busy back-to-school rush is underway. Rather than get caught up in the seasonal frenzy, take some time to mindfully prepare with these healthy and helpful back-to-school tips.
Learn to Delegate
You can’t do everything, so trusting others with responsibility is one of the most important ways to boost productivity. Have your children help out in the kitchen, share the grocery shopping and cooking with your partner and if possible, the rest of the family.
Plan Ahead
Start your weekly meal plan on the weekend
Set aside 15 minutes to review your kitchen – the pantry, the refrigerator and the freezer. Identify the meals you can make from the ingredients on hand. Then create a grocery list for the family favourite recipes. After grocery shopping, commit to one to two hours of meal preparation, such as peeling and dicing veggies, cooking breakfast bars, making double the family favourite recipe, and then freezing portion sizes for easy access during the busy week.
Strategize
Envisioning your meal plan for just 10 minutes a day can keep you on track and reduce your chance of diverting to take out or fast food.
No-cook Meals
Remember no-cook meals can be just as satisfying and nutritious as cooking a full course meal. Try spinach greens, sliced red onion, diced cucumber and sliced chicken breast (made on the weekend) with a small amount of dressing, topped with almonds or walnuts for a tasty and nutritious meal to take to work or to have for supper on an eventful evening.
Keep on Track
Find out the best routine for you (and your family). If you observe things getting off track, include the meal planning on your priority to-do list, and then the simple satisfaction of checking tasks off your to-do list should keep you motivated and on track.
Recipe
This is one of my favourite recipes, Morning Glory Breakfast Bars, to make ahead of time for a quick breakfast, afternoon snack or healthy dessert option from Dairy Farmers of Canada – Dairy Goodness Website.
Need More Tips for Your Kids?
For more tips to keep your kid’s nutrition on track – check out my YouTube Channel Video Healthy Eating Tips for the Family.
Jane Dummer, RD, is a leading dietitian for the Canadian food and nutrition industry and a long-time resident of Waterloo region. Jane offers services for corporations and media, specializing in agri-food, functional foods and workplace nutrition and wellness. Follow Jane on Twitter @janedummer and subscribe to her Grow with Nutrition Blog.
It’s never too late to eat healthy!
Planning For the Holidays–Part 1
Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but the holidays are just around the corner. Make this the year that everything runs smoothly. If you start planning now, there’s no reason why that can’t happen.
So let’s get started and turn over another leaf!
PLANNING FOR THE HOLIDAYS – PART 1
“The more prepared I am, the more I’ll be in control, less nervous, less stressed and more focused.” Marilu Henner
Never has this statement been truer than when it comes to the holidays.
If Thanksgiving was too hectic, think about what you can do differently. I’m not going to scare you and tell you how many days are left until Christmas.
Start Early
Spreading out your tasks over an eight-week period instead of trying to cram everything into the last few weeks is the best approach.
Family Traditions
Now is the time to think about your family traditions. Which are your most favourite? Which are your least favourite? You don’t have to do something just because you feel it is expected. It might not be as important to others as you think. Talk to your family about eliminating the least favourite.
If dinner is at your home this year, and the idea of cooking dinner for 25 people overwhelms you, don’t try to do it all yourself. Make it a potluck dinner. Ask relatives or friends to bring their favourite dish. Remember to keep a list, so that you don’t end up with too much of an item.
Calendar and Activities Schedule
Update your family calendar with school events, parties, concerts, parades and tournaments. Try not to overschedule yourself. Remember that it’s OK to say NO! It may be tough if you’re not used to it. If you do say no, don’t feel guilty about it.
Create a Master List
Your master list should contain all of the tasks that you want to complete. Write the tasks on your calendar and plan to do one task each day.
Gifts
Start a notebook, and make a list of everyone for whom you need to find a gift. Ask for suggestions. Listen carefully to people; they often provide ideas without even realizing it. Don’t forget to jot down ideas as you think of them.
Your time is valuable; perhaps you can order online or use the Yellow Pages. Call ahead to see if the store has an item in stock. Most stores will set items aside.
Label an envelope for gift receipts. If an item needs to be returned or exchanged, you’ll only have one place to look.
Stock up on any items you need–especially if they’re on sale. Pick up hostess gift items—boxes of holiday chocolates, holiday napkins tied up with colourful ribbon, a bottle of their favourite beverage, etc.
Give gifts that are kind to the environment. Check out the many church bazaars and shows which showcase talented local artisans. A gift certificate to a nursery for plants, flowers or trees makes a great gift for someone who loves gardening.
Make your own gift certificates—several hours of babysitting for a friend, a home-cooked dinner, shovelling snow for a neighbour, etc. Let your children have some fun creating the gift certificates.
For those people who have everything, make a donation to their favourite charity. Make a donation to a Christmas Goodwill program in their name. Or give them a card stating that you have bought an Angel Tree gift, so that a child has a gift to open on Christmas morning.
Baking
Would four kinds of cookies suffice for the six or eight kinds you made last year? Organize a cookie exchange. Make sure to order ahead from your favourite bakery, if you decide not to bake. If you have a friend who loves to bake, ask her if she’ll bake for you in exchange for wrapping gifts or another task.
Cooking
Try out new recipes ahead of time. Don’t attempt them on Christmas Eve when you have numerous other things to worry about.
When cooking meals now, double the recipe and put the second batch in the freezer. You’ll appreciate not having to cook when you have a particularly hectic night.
Volunteer
Make time to volunteer—even if it’s for a couple of hours. Involve your children. Whether it’s buying gifts, serving a meal at a soup kitchen, helping at the Food Bank, wrapping gifts, delivering Christmas hampers or visiting with someone who lives alone, there are unlimited ways to get involved in your community.
Realistic Expectations
We all want everything to be perfect, but it’s not good if we’re so stressed that we can’t enjoy it. Be realistic. Set reasonable limits on gift-making, wrapping and baking projects. Don’t add to your stress level by being a perfectionist.
The important thing about the holidays is that you set aside some time to be with your relatives, friends and neighbours or doing whatever means the most to you!
I invite you to share our newsletter with your friends and family. As well, I welcome your feedback and suggestions.
Stay tuned for Part 2 next month!
Kind Words From Our Client Lois R!
“Congratulations once again for your terrific organizing seminar! Such helpful information and such a great experience for everyone! Thanks so much for putting that together, everyone I talked to was really pleased to have been there.” – Lois R.
Thanks for reading…
P.S. CLICK HERE to read more testimonials!
Create Your Own Checklist…Or Use One of Ours!
Do you find yourself forgetting to do something when working on a project or routine task? When tasks occur on a regular basis—whether daily, weekly, monthly or annually—a checklist can be a useful tool to help get your work done.
It’s easy to create your own checklist. Pick one of your projects. Start by jotting down as many points as you can. And remember, it doesn’t have to be perfect!
“It’s never too late—in fiction or in life—to revise.”
– Nancy Thayer, American Writer
Watch for the introduction of more handy checklists in upcoming editions! Don’t forget to check out all of our handy CHECKLISTS!
Freedom By Process–from Carol Glover!
FREEDOM BY PROCESS
Stuck in a rut? Can’t seem to focus or get productive? Or do you have so much to do you don’t know where to start – so you don’t start. Do any of these scenarios sound familiar?
Let’s get back to basics: Process. Checklists, plans and templates are what you build when you want to organize your thoughts and your time to be sure you focus your attention on your high value actions. I focus on these tools because many people have no structure to the way they work; they live and work daily in a state of chaos; in reaction mode. This causes everyone to work longer and at more stressful levels than necessary. Tools such as plans, templates and processes allow you the freedom to logically get work done and to have time to look ahead and enjoy the ride.
Here’s an easy way to build a process to form some structure to your time:
1. You must have at least an idea as to what you need to accomplish. Write it down in as few words as possible.
2. Start brainstorming all the things you need to do to accomplish your objective.
3. Put the tasks in a logical order making sure each action is truly necessary.
4. If the tasks are complex you may want to take an extra step and make note of the things you have to do to accomplish each task.
That’s it! Building a process really is that easy. The results happen when you build a process into your schedule: does this process have to be repeated daily, weekly, or monthly? Make time for it. Remember, even though you’ve built a process, it can – and likely will – change. That’s okay. New information comes to light and obstacles are put in the way. Don’t let speed bumps sabotage your whole structure. Being sure of what needs to be done 70% of the time is better than feeling like you’re always fighting fires.
Even the most creative people need structure and direction to accomplish their objectives; it doesn’t have to be complicated.
At FireHorse Consulting, we pride ourselves on providing accessible (and affordable!) business consulting to small businesses and professionals. To do this, we offer personal coaching, workshops, and e-Coaching. This way – you can choose what works best for you and start working to better yourself and your business . . . fast!
Be it developing or editing your business plan, creating a strategic marketing plan or helping you to establish small business management skills to create life-work-balance; we will help you decide what you need, and support you every step of the way.
Carol Glover
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